For your viewing pleasure: chocolate covered ice
This week was fatal attractions. What is a fatal attraction? No, it doesn't involve someone getting murdered. According to the study a fatal attraction is when the initially attracting quality is also the reason the relationship ended. In the study a group of people were asked to think back to their last failed relationship, they were then asked two questions. 1. What were the initial qualities that attracted you to your partner? 2. Looking back what were the qualities about the individual that you found least attractive? The researchers then looked to see if the qualities matched up, for example if the attracting quality was something like spontaneity, and the unattractive quality was irresponsibility a fatal attraction would have occurred (this was one of the highest occurring fatal attractions that's why I bring it up).
So some of the things we talked about in class were:
Do all couples go through fatal attractions, and some just work it out? Maybe, I mean all couples have their issues, there will always be certain things your partner does that annoy you, but do these always have to be fatal? I think a couple who has good communication skills, and who are both truly invested in the relationship for the same reasons can work these issues out. If you both want your relationship to work, and you both see something long term coming from it you are more likely to protect your investment by either picking your battles or learning to discuss your issues. If you were attracted to the person because of their impulsiveness, and the fact that they were fun you might later find them to be irresponsible, and it might be annoying that they can't make decisions or aren't on time to things, but if you can talk this out and express your concerns these are things that can be worked on. Relationships are about compromise, and working together and if you can do these things, I think fatal attractions can be overcome.
We also asked, Does the partner change in some way that makes the attraction fatal? This question is all in how you look at the situation, if someone was always spontaneous did they really move more along the spectrum into irresponsible, or did your perspective of their qualities change? You also have to think back on what you went into the relationship looking for. Studies show that people look for different qualities in short term and long term relationships. Qualities like fun, spontaneous, outgoing, etc are more welcome in a short term relationship but in a long term relationship, committed, caring, responsible, stable are more welcome qualities. So what did you go into the relationship expecting? If your expectations have changed that could contribute to the fatality of the attraction.
Other things the study discussed were that static attracting factors (like physical characteristics) were less likely to cause a fatal attraction. These things are unchanging, and if you are initially attracted to someones eyes that isn't likely to change. The study also found that the fatal qualities generalized over men and women, so to some degree we are all looking (or not looking) for the same things. It would have been interesting to do follow up with these people and see who was in/ entered into healthy long lasting relationships and if they learned from their mistakes. Many people look for their opposites to balance themselves out, but really the data shows similarities are more likely to promote working relationships.
It was a very interesting article, we had a really good discussion, and I think from it I took away the importance of knowing what you are getting into. Yes people change in relationships but you can't expect someone to change everything about themselves for you. Communication is key, and getting to know the person before rushing into something is important too. Rushing into something just to avoid being alone is never the answer, relationships are built over time, starting as friends and if they become something more great, but you have to be confident and secure with yourself as an individual before adding another person to your life.
Just some food for thought, I think the class is interesting so other people might too. Obviously no one else read the article, but if you have an opinion on the subject I'd love to hear it. It's been a pretty good week two, busy getting back into work and keeping up with school and the GRE (one month!) and I'm looking forward to the long weekend.
Also back by not so popular demand (school just started again)...
Things you shouldn't name your children
NaPorsche: its like naming your kid Mercedes but worse
Lanantra: This should probably be on the list of most ghetto names
Fabiola: I don't even know...
Ambiance: Really? This is a name for a boy?
DeAdreau: It's like taking a name (if Adreau is a name) and adding De to the front, almost as bad as adding L' to a name
annndd last but not least (this unfortunately turned out to be a fake): Squirrely Mountain
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